Family Briefs

I am constantly fascinated by the varying struggles that each child experiences as they grow - and that one child does not necessarily experience the same struggles that a sibling did.

My second oldest is struggling with something, though I’m not exactly sure what it is yet. He’s verbalizing the struggle by whining, “I don’t want to be a kid; I want to be a grown-up instead.” When I try to explore with him why he feels this way, I get, “I just do, I hate being a kid.”

These “whinings” seem to have originated around the time that my oldest lost his first tooth, but I often hear them around nap time (which he hates and is about ready to give up for “quiet time”). The conversations have come up at other times as well - making me think it’s more than jealousy or fatigue bringing them on.

The other day, as I was fixing dinner, he marched into the kitchen saying he wanted a salad. Before I could put him off or offer the excuse why we weren’t having salads that night, he had all the salad-fixings out of the fridge. He proceeded to tear his lettuce, sprinkle chopped tomato and bacon bits over the lettuce, bite the baby carrots into bite-size portions and drop them from his mouth into his salad (remind me NOT to have him make my salad in the future :)). He’s quite self-sufficient when he wants to be - very grown up!

As we ate dinner that night, he announced, “When I’m a grown-up, I’m going to eat salad whenever I want.” I asked if THIS is why he wanted to be a grown up, and he said it was (who knows if it really is the whole story or not). Of course, I told him he didn’t have to be a grown up - he could eat salad whenever he wanted to now! I also explained that we never made salads for him because he never ate them when we had fixed them for him (different month, different appetite, I guess?).

Through all of this, I have reflected on my own childhood, remembering my desire to be a grown up. I always cringed when my older sister got to do things before I could, and I so wanted to be all grown up. I remember not feeling any more grown-up when I turned 18 - no more grown-up when I moved out of the house - no more grown-up when I got married, etc. etc. So when DO you become a grown-up?

What I have explained to my child and what I say to remind myself, is that becoming a grown-up is not a destination. Becoming a grown-up is a process - made up of all the experiences and decisions you make along life’s journey. The more experiences you have, the more you learn (hopefully ;)), the more you grow up a little more.

I think I came the closest to feeling like a grown-up when I had my first child - suddenly I was completely and totally responsible for another human! But I think it’s a mistake for us (as parents) to assume that we are all grown up and know everything. We don’t!! Just because we feel grown up and have experienced lots of life’s lessons, we still have much, MUCH more learning to do (especially now that we are parents)!

The process of becoming more grown up includes being willing to admit your mistakes, even (and especially) to your children. We shouldn’t expect them to be perfect, so we shouldn’t try to appear perfect to them. I often have to apologize to my kids for yelling - I’m human, and I make mistakes too. I’m still learning too - not just about online banking and automobile leases - I’m still learning about me. Why I get angry at certain things, how I’ve overlooked certain areas in my life, why AM I a Type A in several areas?

So, it’s a process, and I know I’m not “there” yet. Of course, I’m further along than when I was 18, and when I married, and when I had my first child. But I’m not a grown-up yet - a good reminder that it’s okay for me to make some mistakes and learn along the way.

We’ll see what my son’s underlying struggle of wanting to be a grown up is eventually. For now, I’m just going to enjoy the journey learning through my own adulthood!