Family Briefs

I recently listened to a podcast by Motherhood Uncensored on BlogTalk Radio about mommy guilt. As I listened, I found myself wondering if I had anything that I felt guilty about as a mom. During the podcast, there was a lot of talk about feeling guilty about not breastfeeding. Well, I couldn’t really relate there (although I agree there is a lot of pressure to breastfeed), because all 4 of mine latched on just fine and nursed for at least 6 months (baby #4 has the record at 12 months).

After listening to the podcast, I figured that I must do pretty well since I’m not really finding myself feeling guilty about anything. But over the next several days, I found myself feeling little snitches of guilt - just momentary lapses into “guilthood” before I found myself distracted by the next task at hand.

A lot of my guilt seems to stem from all the things I did for my first-born compared to all the things I don’t still do for his siblings. I remember reading 3 or 4 stories to my oldest at naptime AND at bedtime.

As a Type A personality and mother of one, it didn’t phase me that it took me 45-60 minutes to get him off to dreamland. With four children and a “modified” Type A personality, it phases me now!

We go straight from lunch to naps without passing “Go”, without collecting $200; just a quick trip to the potty and then throw ‘em in bed! On occasion, there’s a request for a story first - oops! there’s that little snitch of guilt. My oldest is in second grade, reading on a 5th-grade level. My reading to him all the time probably has something to do with that. I start feeling guilty that I don’t read more to his siblings - convinced that I’m handicapping them for life!

I would put band-aids on my first born at any request, whether or not the injury was visible to the naked eye. His siblings must be ACTIVELY bleeding to get a Barbie or Super Hero band-Aid!

My first-born always went shopping every week with me. We talked about the food we were buying, the pictures on the boxes, and we worked on letter and number recognition. I don’t take his siblings to the store if I can possibly avoid it - it’s all about me. I can’t concentrate when they are chattering to me and I get done much more quickly and painlessly going it alone!

I took my first-born to the library every week for story-time, always checking out the maximum of 10 items on every trip (since we were reading 1 1/2-2 hours every day, even this wasn’t enough!). His siblings, by comparison, rarely make it to story time and have a limit of 2 items each trip when we do get there (which often don’t get read before they have to be returned in 2 weeks).

Some of these choices are made because of the personality of our children (the two middles are a little on the wild side - probably because I don’t read to them all the time ). Some choices are about my convenience and “laid-backness” as a seasoned parent. Some choices are about time constraints - I think that’s where more of the guilt come in.

How different each child in every family would be if they were each an only child. Lavished with all your time and attention, surely they would all be the best behaved and brightest in the class . . . or so one would think. But that’s not how it turns out is it? Surely you know plenty of only children that aren’t as well-behaved or as smart as you would expect based on this theory.

So if having just one child doesn’t resolve your time constraints such that you have no guilt, then what does? I know that being more “laid back” helps - easy to say for all you non-Type A personalities! (I know because I no longer sanitize all the chew toys for my 13-month old every week - yes, I did that for my first-born ). I think it also helps NOT to look at anyone else’s standards, other than your own.

One of the points the podcast made was to do what is best for your child and not worry about what everyone else is doing. So I don’t need to worry about what my neighbor is doing with her three kids, just as I don’t need to worry about what I used to do with my own kid(s). Things have changed - my time constraints are different, I’ve learned from parenting experiences, my priorities are different, I have different responsibilities. I can’t possibly be the same parent I was 6 or 7 years ago! And I need to be okay with that.

Just as I sometimes wonder about all of the good ways in which each of my children would be different if they were the only one (and had all my time in attention), I also need to recognize the not-so-good ways that each of them would be different as an only child. Surely they wouldn’t share as well ; I’m sure they wouldn’t be able to entertain themselves as much; I think they are better huggers because they practice on each other; I think they are more creative because they get ideas from each other and do more pretending together than apart; I think they are more “connected” because they have to relate to each other a LOT.

So, as I continue to practice my parenting, I’ll try to remember less what I used to do as a parent and think more about what I want to do NOW as a parent!

That’s my SMART Habit for today - what’s yours? Head over to The Lazy Organizer to see how others are changing their lives for the better!